Take The Money And Run
by Rebecca Redd
Summary: It all started when some idiot called Agent Cullen knocked on my door. Apparently he's with the FBI and it's his job to track down my mother, who he thinks stole 200 million dollars and then fled the country. And for some strange reason he assumes I'M going to help him find her… AU All human.


Author's Note: Hi! The idea for this fic popped into my head last night, and before I knew it the whole chapter was written! A couple of notes before we start:

-The rating is currently T, mostly for some swearing and mild sexual content. I may decide to up the rating at some point, but if I do I will warn you.

-Bella has a huge extended family in this fic that she didn't have in the books. Case in point: Grandmamma Helen and Baby Valerie. Which brings us to:

-This fic is AU. Very AU. And the characters are all human.

-If you like this fic, check out my AU zombie apocalypse fic "Our Last Twilight."

And that's about it... but feel free to let me know if you notice any errors that should be corrected.

Thanks for reading!

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Chapter One

"Charles Swan? Miss Swan?" The devastatingly attractive stranger in a suit frowned and knocked on the door of the Swan residence once more. "Miss Swan?"

Unbeknownst to him, Miss Swan stood directly on the other side of the door. "Hm. What do you think Valerie, should we let him in?" Bella whispered to her baby cousin, balancing the little girl on her hip while she peered through the peep hole.

"No, Aunt Bella," she scolded herself in a baby's voice. "We don't know him. He could be an escaped convict or a serial killer."

"He's awfully good looking to be a serial killer." Bella argued in her regular voice.

"Yes, Aunt Bella," she continued in a child's voice. "That's probably how he seduces his victims."

"Good point Valerie—"

"Who are you talking to?" Grandma Helen shouted from where she was playing solitaire in the living room.

"No one!" Bella shouted back, forgetting that the man outside would hear her. Instantly, the knocking resumed.

"Miss Swan? Miss Swan?"

"Oh great." Now he knew someone was home. "Just a minute!" Bella called and reached up to undo the bolt. Maybe it was for the best. Good looking guys didn't exactly grow on trees, and they were particularly hard to come by when you were cooped up at home babysitting your three little cousins and your 94 year old grandmother.

"Shit." Bella paused with her hand on the doorknob, and glanced down at herself to take stock of her own appearance. It wasn't pretty. She was still in her pajamas, and while her plaid pajama pants were modest enough, the tight white tank top that she also wore left little to the imagination. Fortunately there was a simple solution. Bella readjusted her hold on her six month old cousin until the baby almost completely obscured Bella's chest. "Okay, good to go," Bella said, smoothing some stray hair behind her ears and then throwing the front door open.

"So sorry to keep you waiting," she said in what she hoped was a gracious and charming tone. Then she had to quickly snap her mouth shut, just to keep from gaping like a fish at the Adonis who stood on her doorstep. Bronze hair, green eyes, sculpted face, perfect body. The works. Oh boy, he was ten times better looking in real life then he was through the peep hole. Bella gripped Valerie tighter and tried not to swoon in her own doorway.

"That's… quite alright," the God Among Men said. He eyed her head to toe, and whatever his opinion was it couldn't have been complementary, because his eyebrows rose slightly and a disapproving frown worked its way onto his perfect features.

_That's alright; I'll win him over eventually. I just have to turn on the charm,_ Bella reassured herself as Valerie made a hiccupping noise. A thick trail of baby drool spilled onto the back of Bella's hand, and the stranger's nose crinkled in disgust.

_Or I can just resign myself to eternal spinsterhood. That's an option too._

"What can I do for you?" Bella asked, smiling as if she was unaware of his reaction.

"Miss Swan, I'm Agent Cullen with the FBI. If I could have a word with you, it's rather important."

_Good looking __**and**__ an FBI agent. It's like I woke up on a television show._

She found herself spacing out, suddenly imagining herself a sexy, unattached young forensic anthropologist, forced to partner with a cocky but undeniably attractive FBI agent for the higher purpose of solving crime…

Meanwhile, back in real life the real FBI agent was saying something, but she only heard snatches of it. Something about her mother, something about the company her mother had worked for until two weeks ago, something about missing money. An insinuation about the spur of the moment vacation Renee had decided to take. Something about federal court and up to thirty years in jail.

_Wait, what?_

"—losses in excess of 200 million. In short, your mother is a great deal of trouble."

Bella blinked. "I'm sorry… 200 million what?"

"Dollars."

There was a moment of silence. "How many dollars?"

"200 million."

The world seemed to be spinning around her. "200 million _what_?"

Agent Cullen gave a long suffering sigh. "Maybe I should come inside." Taking her open mouth and shocked expression for approval, he brushed past her into the house, closing the door behind him. "Where can we talk?"

"You don't mean dollars as in _money_, do you?" Bella asked, numbly leading the way into the kitchen.

"Do you want to put the child down somewhere?" Agent Cullen asked as Bella took a seat at the kitchen table.

Bella stood up to deposit Valerie somewhere, and then remembered _why_ she was holding the baby rather awkwardly in front of her. "Why should I? Does she look old enough to eavesdrop?"

Agent Cullen opened his mouth, then hesitated and cleared his throat awkwardly, apparently unable to come up with a response.

"Isabella, who _is_ that?" The croaky, cantankerous old voice was unmistakable, and much to Bella's alarm, it sounded as if her grandmother was approaching the kitchen.

"No one, Grandmamma!" Bella called back anxiously.

But it was too late; the half-senile old woman had already entered the kitchen. Her floral print dress flapped around her skinny legs, and she was clutching a deck of cards in one hand. Grandmamma Helen peered up at Agent Cullen critically. Her glasses had lenses so thick they were probably bulletproof. "And who are you?"

"Agent Cullen, ma'am. I'm here to discuss a matter of some importance with your granddaughter."

Grandmamma's eyebrows rose sky-high, as though she had picked up on some secret innuendo. "Are you? Well we'll just see about that." She took a seat at the table.

Valerie wined unhappily, and Bella seconded her cousin's discomfort as Agent Cullen eyed the old woman irritably. Clearly he didn't want to discuss his insane theory in front of Grandmamma Helen.

Bella cleared her throat. "Could you just leave us alone, Grandmamma? Just for a few minutes? Go back to playing solitaire in the living room?"

"I most certainly will not!" Grandmamma looked outraged.

Agent Cullen sighed again, rather impatiently, and Bella decided that, good looking or not, he was beginning to rub her the wrong way. Stunning good looks and a badge were not acceptable excuses for arrogance and haughtiness. "Ma'am, if you'd just give us a few minutes alone…"

"A few minutes alone! A few minutes alone is how babies are conceived, mister. If you think I'm going to let you waltz in here and deflower my granddaughter…"

"Ohmygod." Bella interrupted quickly. "Grandmamma, you didn't take your medication this morning, did you?"

"You tell me," Grandmamma said snippily. "You watch me take it."

"You hid it under your tongue and then threw it out later, didn't you?" Bella always knew which mornings her grandmother had cheated, because the old lady's behavior went from slightly eccentric to totally humiliating.

"It really doesn't matter whether or not she took her medication," Agent Cullen interrupted, rather rudely if you asked Bella. "Ma'am, I assure you that I have no interest in… um… deflowering your granddaughter, so…"

Okay, _now_ Bella was beginning to feel genuinely insulted.

"Oh, that's what they all say," Grandmamma cackled. "Then you leave 'em alone for two seconds and next thing you know they're at it like a couple of rabbits…"

"Okay!" Bella interrupted. "You know what, Grandmamma?" Bella cupped one hand to her ear as though she heard something in the distance. "You know what? I think I hear music playing down the road."

"Music?" She immediately had her grandmother's attention. "Music in the street?"

"Yes…" Bella said, frowning as though concentrating on the sound. "It sounds almost like a truck playing music… Almost like the—"

"—Ice cream truck!" Grandmamma finished reverently.

"Yes!" Bella agreed. "I think it is the ice cream truck."

That sent Grandmamma into a flurry of activity, and she was on her feet in a second. "Oh my, so early today! I declare I never know when it's going to come by. And wouldn't you know it; I left my change purse upstairs!"

"Oh, well, you'll just have to run and get it before the truck goes by," Bella said earnestly. "Better hurry though." She wondered if there was a special place in hell reserved for people who lied to 94-year-olds.

"Oh my goodness!" Grandmamma said, all but sprinting for the stairs. Bella could hear her joints cracking with each step. "I wonder if he'll have mint chocolate chip today. He was out last time he came by…"

Bella sighed as her grandmother vanished down the hall. "Sorry about that. Grandmamma loves ice cream. She's diabetic so my dad won't buy her any, but she buys it herself from the ice cream truck whenever she can."

"Hm. Fascinating." Cullen said stiffly, and Bella suddenly had the urge to shove her foot up his very attractive behind.

"You were saying?" She prompted him, her left eye twitching. "Something about my mother absconding with 101 Dalmatians?"

"Actually, it's dollars, not Dalmatians," Agent Cullen said, and it sounded like he was talking through clenched teeth. "And it's 202,450,355, dollars. And sixty cents."

"Ah. How exact," Bella said. "I can tell already that you're very precise. Delusional, but very precise."

"I assure you, I am not delusional, and it would be a mistake to take this lightly. Do you have any idea what sort of repercussions your mother could face for this?"

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Thanks guys! Leave me a review if you have a minute or two to spare!


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